I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
