new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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