I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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