Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
