somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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