i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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