ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
