i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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