You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.