Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
