oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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