i jhust puked up my retainher.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She's the barista slut.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
