Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
