And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
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Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
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I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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