i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
