remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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