At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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