just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Alive.
So much puke
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
