i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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