oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
