Old men and throwing up are my life now.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Randomize
