They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You've changed since you got that strap on
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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