I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
