i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
