My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
