Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me