A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
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she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
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Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??