my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
