I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
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When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
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Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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