it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
