just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
