I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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