Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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