Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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