When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
