I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
