the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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