Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
