i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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