i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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