My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
