Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
