Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
