sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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