well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
