I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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