Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
