plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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