His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
