You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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