i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
