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• (413): View more from Massachusetts

  so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up

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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus

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• (209): View more from California

  I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.

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• (919): View more from North Carolina

  My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.

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• (281): View more from Texas

  FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

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• (302): View more from Delaware

  Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.

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• (810): View more from Michigan

  you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.

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• (720): View more from Colorado

  His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor

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• (205): View more from Alabama

  Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.

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• (812): View more from Indiana

  Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee

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