Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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