well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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