I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Sober January is a disaster.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
