Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He shit in the fireplace
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
