Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
