i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
