So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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